The Expendables 3 (2014)

I have a confession to make; I really enjoyed the first Expendables movie. Sure, it wasn’t a masterpiece by any stretch, or even that good of a film for that matter, but it was fun seeing all the action stars I’d watched as a kid on old TV reruns all come together for one epic action movie. The plot was nothing special, the jokes were eye-roll worthy and the action was nothing new, but damn it if it wasn’t exciting seeing Sly and the gang in action. Then they made the sequel; it tried really hard to top the first one in every way, but it just came off as forced and the movie fell flat, although it still had its entertaining moments. Then they made another sequel; a PG-13 sequel at that (seriously, was anyone seeing this movie for any other reason than the ridiculous violence?) and now the series has reached a new low.

If you’re a fan of the Expendables franchise, then virtually nothing in this movie will be new to you; it has all the same lame jokes (Arnold yells “choppa!” enthusiastically a few times, Wesley Snipes tells the Expendables he was incarcerated for “tax evasion” and Harrison Ford pretends he can’t understand Jason Statham’s accent for some reason) mostly familiar faces and the same action just toned down for the new PG-13 rating.

There’s a lot to criticize when it comes to the Expendables franchise, but I think it would be redundant to hop on the bandwagon and crucify this movie for its needlessly over-the-top action (in one scene Stallone blows up a perfectly good helicopter after he lands it for no good reason other than to walk away from an explosion in slow motion), instead I’ll focus on why this film is bad even for an Expendables movie.

If the plot in the first two movies was weak, this one is just downright frustrating. Forget that Sly Stallone and Melvin Gibson are rivals, the really frustrating (sub)plot is the now extremely tired “I’m getting too old for this shit” routine. For some unknown reason, Stallone decides his gang is getting too old (not him though, Stallone never ages) and he essentially fires them. The movie tries to make it appear as if he does this to protect them, but since they eventually just end up saving his ass in the end (of course) it basically just cuts down on their screen time.

This would be fine, if they had replaced the original Expendables with anyone particularly interesting; they don’t. In what can only be called a huge misstep for the film, Stallone decides to go “young” and “modern.” In a montage sequence that is as old and tired as the man who facilitates it (Kelsey Grammer making a “let’s build you a new team” cameo appearance here) Stallone gathers a bunch of newcomers for his merc gang, but don’t worry they all have a death wish so Stallone won’t feel bad that he’s taking them all on a suicide mission. This is incredibly annoying not only because it takes up a sizeable amount of screen time, but also because no one is paying for an Expendables ticket to see a bunch of young, no-name actors do parkour, motor cross, or fancy hacking maneuvers. What the audience is promised (and expects) in an Expendable movie is Stallone, Statham, and company kicking ass and taking names; we the audience just want to see our old favorite movie stars hitting the pavement one last time. Unfortunately, because of this distraction of a subplot, we don’t get nearly enough of this, and since the newcomers basically just end up being a plot point it’s a real shame they take up so much of the movie.

As for how the new additions to the movie go, Wesley Snipes is crazy; honestly I’m not sure if it’s an act or not, but nothing he says really makes sense; I like Snipes though so I went along with it. Harrison Ford is basically the replacement for Bruce Willis (turns out Stallone really hates Bruce Willis personally so they kicked him out of the franchise, who knew?) and also he can fly a helicopter for some reason. Surprisingly, Antonio Banderas might be the best part about this movie; he plays a mercenary who just can’t stop talking, or killing for that matter and although his writing is a little weak, he overacts the hell out of it and the result is entertaining enough.

The final battle scene is appropriately ridiculous (they literally fight/destroy an entire actual army, and by army I mean a real military force, tanks, helicopters, the whole nine yards.) and even though it is rather tame compared to what Expendables’ fans are used to (that damn PG-13 rating) it still manages to excite, although it does feel like all the Expendables are just taking turns rather than fighting together.

(Spoilers): I had to give a warning because I want to talk a bit about the end, but honestly it shouldn’t come to a surprise to anyone who’s ever seen an action film, especially one of the Sylvester Stallone variety. Throughout the film it is stressed (by a very serious Harrison Ford, with his extra serious face on) that Mel Gibson’s character is to be taken alive so he can be tried for his war crimes. Several times the team passes up a chance to kill him for this reason. What happens in the end? Stallone and Gibson have a kick punch fight (of course) and then Stallone just shoots him a bunch of times (before outrunning a giant C4 explosion and jumping off the roof of the building obviously). I’m sorry but why couldn’t this have happened at any moment earlier in the film? Then again I guess I’m asking for common sense in an Expendables movie, and that’s one thing this series is definitely short on. (End Spoilers).

If you’re looking for basic, run-of-the-mill action, you could do worse than Expendables 3, then again, you could also do a lot better.

-Ryan Maples

Rating: 5

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2333784/?ref_=nv_sr_1

The Giver (2014)

Note: I have not read the novel and therefore this review will not have any in-depth analysis of the book-to-screen adaptation; it is simply a review of how the movie stands on its own merits. That being said, I’ve heard from multiple people who have read the book that this adaptation completely botches the source material in every way, so keep that in mind.

There are a few ways that going to see a highly anticipated movie can turn out. You can go into it with high expectations and either have them met (or surpassed even), or be disappointed. On the other hand, sometimes having low expectations can mean that the movie surprises you and is better than you could have expected. However, every so often, even the lowest of expectations can lead to disappointment, and The Giver, unfortunately, is definitely a case of the latter.

It’s hard to know where to start with this movie, as there are just so many things wrong with it, but let’s start with the acting, shall we? I’m not sure what Jeff Bridges was going for in this role, but it could be one of the worst performances from him that I’ve personally seen. Then again, if his goal was to portray an old drunken man, who radiates creepy vibes and can never seem to quite catch his breath for whatever reason (I always suspected he had just finished running some laps at the beginning of every scene), then he totally nailed it.

All of the kids in this movie come off as wooden and their dialogue is eerie both in the way it is written and delivered, this may have been somewhat intentional to create that “cult” vibe, but it just didn’t translate well to the screen in any case. I found myself constantly wondering why the main character had his mouth hanging open in every scene, as if he just couldn’t contain his wonder at virtually everything and the only way to portray that is with a silly, gaping-mouth grin. Also frustrating, are the utterly forgettable performances by Katie Holmes and Alexander Skarsgard respectively (half of Katie Holmes’ lines involved the phrase “precision of language”),  even Meryl Streep isn’t all that great; it seems as if everyone phoned it in on this one.

The real problem with this film, however, is how it completely bungles what admittedly is an interesting concept. The Giver is about a world where there is no feelings, no love, not even any color, (and no memory of how things used to be before the utopia) just rules and regulations and “precision of language.” Then one day at graduation, Jonas (our main character) is chosen to be the “receiver,” which essentially means he is given all the old memories and feelings of the old world by Jeff Bridges, the Giver.  This could all add up to an interesting universe, but everything in the film is dealt with in such an abstract, generalized way that none of it seems real enough to care about.

The terms, names, and phrases that people use in this film sound so ridiculous and simple, that I had to keep a list of them. First of all, the land outside of Sameness (not 100% sure that’s what their community is called, but it might as well be) is called “Elsewhere,” and beyond that is a place called “the border of memories.” The people use stiff phrases over and over again, such as “I apologize” and “I accept your apology” and my personal favorite “precision of language.” We’re never really told what exactly “precision of language” is supposed to mean (does it simply mean use less words, or more “precise” ones?) but I guarantee you after seeing this movie you’ll never want to hear that phrase again. Also, they have landmarks, such as “the triangle of rocks.” These names are so simplistic, they just end up coming off as laughable, and it serves to ruin the atmosphere the film tries to set.

I’d like to dedicate an entire paragraph to how incredibly creepy Jeff Bridges’ scenes are with Jonas (in one scene near the beginning he utters the phrase “come closer” three times in a row as he forcefully pulls Jonas’ chair closer to him), but that wouldn’t leave enough room to talk about the ending, which makes very little to no sense at all.

Jonas quickly learns that there is beauty in the world (and he just can’t stop gaping at it throughout the movie) and he longs to share it with others, but he’s forbidden, because Meryl Streep says so. However, when he learns that babies who aren’t deemed healthy enough upon birth are “released” and that means killed, he decides he must save one specific baby who he’s made a personal connection with (I assume all the other babies just die because they’re not important enough to save). He also learns that in order to restore the world back to its colorful self, he must cross the boundary of memories (or something of that order). Simply by crossing the border/boundary, he will then restore everyone with feelings, emotions and tear ducts to produce tears to display said emotions; however, it is never explained why simply crossing a border will have this effect, since it is established early in the film that the only reason society is so dull is that all the citizens are required to take their “morning injection.”

There’s a lot that’s not explained in this film, such as why this utopia exists, or who created it, and how the giver has the power to transfer memories (or how Jonas makes a trek worthy of Middle-Earth in the last ten minutes of the movie with a baby in his arms the whole way). This is a shame, because as soon as the mystery starts to build up, the movie just sort of ends. I won’t spoil the ending, but suffice it to say it is extremely underwhelming and disappointing.

In the end, even though the Giver was the novel that inspired other dystopian stories such as the Hunger Games and Divergent, it fails to stand out against them as a film. If you’re a fan of the book, I can’t give you much hope, this one looks like it’s been completely Hollywoodized in the worst sense; you’re probably better off just giving the novel a reread and imagining it as a better film yourself.

One final note: Taylor Swift is in this movie... so take from that what you will.

-Ryan Maples

Rating: 3.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0435651/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Let's Be Cops (2014)

Let’s Be Cops! Perhaps it should have been called, “Let’s Be Horribly Irresponsible and Yet Suffer Virtually No Repercussions!” but I guess that’s not as catchy. Now of course, this isn’t a serious attempt to make a statement on anything, let alone the morality of impersonating a police officer, but at the very least, the movie could have delivered on the already shaky concept. Instead, we get a remarkably unfunny movie about two immature 30-somethings using fake badges and uniforms to make themselves feel more than insignificant.

The movie begins with Jake Johnson’s character singing karaoke (rather terribly) to his buddy Justin/Damon Wayans Jr. (I recall Damon Wayans Jr.’ character name because they repeat it 27 times throughout the film for some unknown reason) and it really doesn’t get any better from there. For some reason the film assumes we’ll like these two together rather than attempting to win us over at all, although I’m not sure why. Maybe they figured since the characters say “dude” and “man” every third sentence we’ll just all relate because that’s how all us youngsters talk, or perhaps they thought their constant fighting/slapping would be charming; it isn’t.

It’s a bit of a disappointment, because it does seem that Jake Johnson and Damon Wayans Jr. have considerable chemistry together as actors, but the bland, generic dialogue in this film is hard to overcome. In addition, these characters aren’t particularly likeable, especially Jake Johnson. His character is an ex-football star from college (which I find hard to believe), who hurt his knee jumping into a pool and never really amounted to anything after that. It’s a rather cliché backstory, but that’s not what makes him so downright disagreeable, it’s the childish way in which he acts throughout the film. He bullies kids on the football field in an attempt to make himself feel manly, much in the same way he bullies people as he impersonates an officer. This would be fine if his character ever had any growth, but he basically doesn’t change throughout the entirety of the film.

Damon Wayans Jr. (or Justin, Justin! Justin, man, seriously Justin, dude, Justin. They say his name so many times…) plays the part of the voice of reason, except his voice is constantly being stifled. It’s impossible to know why he follows along with his friend’s antics every time when he’s so clearly against the whole thing, but at least his character has (really cliché) growth and he learns to stand up for himself. His backstory, however, is even more uninteresting. He’s a video game designer, who made this “great” cop game called patrol man, but the company changes it to firefighters vs. Zombies against his will, because video game companies, and that’s just totally hilarious but also sad, I guess.

The main problem at the heart of this film, however, is the portrayal of the citizens’ reaction to cops. People are intimidated by cops if anything, but this film acts like the badge is just an automatic chick magnet. In one scene, a whole flock of girls run up and kiss them and jump on them, all because it’s part of a scavenger hunt where they have to kiss an officer (I wonder if the next item on that list was to take two bullets to the chest from a startled police officer?) This all just seems terribly unrealistic and it squanders any attempt at real comedy from the situation. This is a shame, because at the end just before the credits roll there are a few clips of actually comedic scenes as the two masquerade as police officers; one can only wonder why they didn't make it into the actual film and instead were regulated to bonus extra gags.

Let’s Be Cops misses a lot of opportunities at real comedy and trades them in for tired old bits and the result is a redundant, cliché buddy (fake) cop movie. I recently saw a very short review online that sums up this movie rather perfectly it simply said, “Let’s Be Cops… let’s not.” Indeed, let’s not, I’d rather be firefighters instead.

-Ryan Maples

Rating: 3.5.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1924435/?ref_=fn_al_tt_1

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)

Nostalgia can be a very powerful force; a strong sense of nostalgia can make one remember fondly even the most awful of movies and it can make a grown man look forward to seeing a movie about talking ninja turtles. I’m assuming that the powers that be must at least have some idea of this, what other earthly reason can there be for pouring so much money into a reboot of a late 80’s cartoon? However, in the process of rebooting a legend, the filmmakers forgot one important thing, they forgot to respect the source material.

Teenage Mutant (Roided) Ninja Turtles is a real mess of a film, and that doesn’t mean it’s all bad, just mostly bad. Actually, there are three levels to this movie, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Let’s start with the good.

The turtles are looking buffer than ever, but then again so is Hollywood in general (see Mark Wahlberg in Transformers, when did he get biceps like that?) and while this is a little strange to comprehend at first, I must admit I ended up liking the redesign of their characters (if not necessarily “preferring” them so to speak). The spirit and personality of the turtles is also very much intact, whether or not they’re actually funny is up for debate, but there’s certainly an effort there and that’s nice considering all of what’s not there (more on that later). Shredder has been revamped as well, and while his new overhaul may not be particularly inspiring, it is much more intimidating.

The action sequences are massive and come at a break-neck speed, and if that’s your sort of thing you’re probably going to have a blast during some of these set pieces, which are undeniably well-done if a bit cliché at this point. Also, Will Arnett manages to make a few funnies to lighten up the tension; he’s not laugh out loud hilarious or anything close to that, but his humor is a nice break from all the ninja action. However, even Will Arnett can’t distract from the bad.

Why is anyone doing what they’re doing in this movie? That’s a question I kept asking myself throughout the entire runtime. Shredder has no conceivable reason to be doing anything he does, or at least not any reason I ever heard explained. William Fichtner’s motivations are almost as shaky, and his plot to release the “mutagen” (a more modern name for “ooze” apparently) on the city plays out eerily similar to the rather underwhelming conclusion in Amazing Spiderman. Everything in this movie is predictable, right down to the moment when the turtles save everyone (spoiler?).

Another thing, I’d like to point out that this is not, actually, a film directed by Michael Bay, which seems to have a lot of people confused; however, the movie plays out as if the filmmakers had a Michael Bay directing textbook close at hand. There’s slow motion shots galore and enough explosions to satisfy the most avid Transformers fans, not to mention there’s way too much focus on the human characters (we don’t even catch a glimpse of the turtles until almost a half hour into the movie). None of this even compares though to the ugly.

First things first, why the hell is Megan Fox in this movie? Why is Megan Fox in any movie for that matter? If you thought her acting couldn’t possibly get any worse after Transformers, you’d be terribly wrong. Not only is her acting atrocious, but the writing for her character is as well. I could probably go on all day about how completely awful her whole performance is, but that wouldn’t leave me enough room for Splinter.

This could possibly be the most disappointing part of the film for me. Splinter, the leader and teacher of the ninja turtles, is completely botched in this movie. He looks like a half-shaved mole rat and for some reason he now uses his tail to fight. He’s also introduced as a mean old master and one of his first scenes actually involved torturing the turtles. I’m sorry, but this is not the lovable and wise Splinter I remember from my childhood. Tony Shalhoub as his voice was a complete and total miscasting and it bothered me every time Splinter opened his mouth. Also, instead of learning the art of ninjutsu by watching his former master, he learns it from and old book dropped in the sewer. I really can’t stress enough how terrible this is (apparently the only thing keeping us all from being ninja masters is the right picture book).

If that weren’t bad enough, the ninja turtles’ (and Splinter’s) origin story is even more ridiculous. Apparently, they were a lab experiment and April saved them when she was nine from a fire in her father’s laboratory (she never stops to see if her dad’s okay, however, and he dies).  

I could go on and on about all that’s wrong with this movie, but in the end it still does manage to be somewhat entertaining. I’m sure the kids will enjoy it, but as someone who was almost getting hyped for some nostalgic teenage mutant ninja turtles fun, this movie disappoints.

-Ryan Maples

Rating: 5.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1291150/?ref_=hm_cht_t1

RIP Robin Williams (1951-2014)

This is not a review, this is simply a short essay, if you will, in tribute to Robin Williams, one of my favorites.

Do you remember the first time Robin Williams made you laugh? How about the first time he made you cry? Unfortunately, many of us have felt more of the latter over the last few hours as the news of Robin Williams’ death has hit many fans hard, as well it should. I personally was left in disbelief, Robin Williams was a comedic hero to me since my early childhood, and never failed to make me (and countless others) laugh, and now he’s gone. How do we deal with that?

Now, I’m not going to talk about the fact that it looks like his death was most likely a suicide, and I’m not going talk about his addiction to alcohol or the obvious depression that may or may not have driven him to take his own life. These issues are very important, but I don’t believe I have the right or the knowledge to take on these issues and supply satisfying answers. However, I would like to take a moment to reflect on the life that was and how it affected all of us in different ways.

What was the first Robin Williams role that really influenced you? If I remember correctly, for me it was Mrs. Doubtfire, although Aladdin is probably a close second. Say what you will about Mrs. Doubtfire as a film, but this was one of my favorites as a kid; I thought Robin absolutely killed it, I mean do you know any other actor that can pull that role off? I started trying to do “voices” just like him because of that movie and many others like Flubber, or Robots; they were silly movies, but movies that made me laugh as a kid and still do today, and make no mistake laughter is important. I think we all have different Robin Williams’ roles that we remember and cherish, and that’s because he was the kind of actor that could take on almost any role, whether silly or serious. Steven Spielberg once called him “one of the greatest actors of our generation” praise that I’m sure does not come lightly, and you can see why; only a great actor can go from hamming it up in a crazy adventure movie like Jumanji, and then make us all feel the tragic death of his wife in Good Will Hunting.

Of course, this doesn’t even cover his standup, he was crazy, loud, politically incorrect, firing a joke a second and I can’t deny I loved it, as a kid I was fascinated by his vulgarity as it was something new to me and I spent many an hour on my laptop howling with laughter. I also have to give a shout out to his hilarious musical Blame Canada, something I was definitely obsessed with for a bit in high school.

Another great thing about Robin Williams, he would guest star in anything, play any role no matter how small or seemingly insignificant and he could make that role his own. Whether it was a random guest star role in Law and Order: SVU, or his small but brilliantly creepy part in Christopher Nolan’s Insomnia, or playing a bit role in Louie, or how about his performance as Teddy Roosevelt in Night at the Museum (arguably the best part of the movie)? These roles are all just more proof of his brilliance as an actor and a performer.

Now the question is how do we watch Robin Williams’ films after this tragedy? Will we still be able to laugh along, or is his death too sad and too terrible? Perhaps we will do a bit of both from now on, a bit of laughter and a bit of sadness. I think it would be an insult to his memory not to laugh at his jokes anymore, I believe that was one of his real passions, trying to make people laugh, and if we really wish to honor him we can all do that by remembering how hilarious he could be. Of course, there will always be that tinge of sadness, at least for me. The same sadness I feel when I watch a Paul Walker role or listen to a Michael Jackson track. He was taken from us too early, and it doesn’t seem fair, but now all we can do is remember him, and if that means I’ll finally have to force myself to actually watch What Dreams May Come, then damn it I guess I’ll have to do it then. RIP Robin Williams, you were an inspiration to many, not just comedians, and as the world has already proven, you will be sorely missed.

-Ryan Maples

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000245/?ref_=nv_sr_1

Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)

At long last, Guardians of the Galaxy is here. After what felt like years of seeing promos and teasers and teaser trailers and trailers, it almost seemed like Guardians of the Galaxy might suffer from overexposure before it even came out. Personally, I had begun to wonder whether the film could ever live up to all the hype, but after finally seeing the film for myself, I can definitely say that not only does it live up to it, I would say it even exceeds it.

If you’re going into this movie expecting more Thor or Iron Man, you may find yourself surprised; while this is definitely a Marvel-style flick, it is not, however, a super hero movie. None of the characters have your traditional “super-powers” and thank god there’s no insufferable origin story of how Joe Schmoe falls into a vat of radioactive spiders and develops super abilities or anything of that sort. This movie does feel like the Avengers in a way, but instead of taking multiple movies for set up, the Guardians dives right in.

Although the Guardians does take a lot of cues from the Marvel formula, it has a quirkiness and a sheer sense of glee about it that make it unique to any comic book movie before it; in fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if this starts a new trend in Marvel, much in the same way that the Dark Knight set a very dark and serious vibe for all the rest of DC’s movies (for better or worse). For example, we are essentially introduced to the main character, Star Lord, via dance number; it’s hilarious but not only is it funny, it is also an ingenious way of conveying to us exactly who Star Lord is.

Unlike the Avengers or any of the other films in the Marvel cinematic universe, this story takes place almost completely away from Earth, making it complete science fiction, and some of the best science fiction fun since Star Wars. Guardians actually reminded me a lot of Star Wars, and it’s definitely an excellent holdover for anyone eagerly awaiting Episode 7 next year.

A couple of random side notes: the soundtrack (as I’m sure anyone who’s seen it would tell you) is amazing, and the Walkman bit is an ingenious way of making the soundtrack more a part of the film than any other movie I can remember. Also, Michael Rooker (Merle from Walking Dead) is delightful to watch as a villain/old friend/father figure for Star Lord, and his very unique weapon (I honestly wouldn’t quite know what to call it) is fun to watch in action as well. Finally, you wouldn’t think a talking tree that can only say the same three words over and over again (I am Groot) would be the best character in the movie, but it turns out you’d be wrong.

Guardians of the Galaxy did something for me that in a world of reboots and sequels is often very rare; it showed me a new universe, and it gave me an excitement for that universe. It’s no wonder Marvel already announced a sequel for 2017 before the movie was even released, they had no doubt in their mind that they have a winner, and they definitely do. All I can say is 2017 can’t come soon enough.

-Ryan Maples

Rating: 9.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt2015381/?ref_=nv_sr_1