Nostalgia
can be a very powerful force; a strong sense of nostalgia can make one remember
fondly even the most awful of movies and it can make a grown man look forward
to seeing a movie about talking ninja turtles. I’m assuming that the powers
that be must at least have some idea of this, what other earthly reason can
there be for pouring so much money into a reboot of a late 80’s cartoon?
However, in the process of rebooting a legend, the filmmakers forgot one important
thing, they forgot to respect the source material.
Teenage
Mutant (Roided) Ninja Turtles is a real mess of a film, and that doesn’t mean
it’s all bad, just mostly bad. Actually, there are three levels to this movie,
the good, the bad, and the ugly. Let’s start with the good.
The turtles
are looking buffer than ever, but then again so is Hollywood in general (see
Mark Wahlberg in Transformers, when did he get biceps like that?) and while
this is a little strange to comprehend at first, I must admit I ended up liking
the redesign of their characters (if not necessarily “preferring” them so to
speak). The spirit and personality of the turtles is also very much intact,
whether or not they’re actually funny is up for debate, but there’s certainly
an effort there and that’s nice considering all of what’s not there (more on
that later). Shredder has been revamped as well, and while his new overhaul may
not be particularly inspiring, it is much more intimidating.
The action
sequences are massive and come at a break-neck speed, and if that’s your sort
of thing you’re probably going to have a blast during some of these set pieces,
which are undeniably well-done if a bit cliché at this point. Also, Will Arnett
manages to make a few funnies to lighten up the tension; he’s not laugh out
loud hilarious or anything close to that, but his humor is a nice break from
all the ninja action. However, even Will Arnett can’t distract from the bad.
Why is
anyone doing what they’re doing in this movie? That’s a question I kept asking
myself throughout the entire runtime. Shredder has no conceivable reason to be
doing anything he does, or at least not any reason I ever heard explained.
William Fichtner’s motivations are almost as shaky, and his plot to release the
“mutagen” (a more modern name for “ooze” apparently) on the city plays out
eerily similar to the rather underwhelming conclusion in Amazing Spiderman.
Everything in this movie is predictable, right down to the moment when the
turtles save everyone (spoiler?).
Another
thing, I’d like to point out that this is not, actually, a film directed by
Michael Bay, which seems to have a lot of people confused; however, the movie
plays out as if the filmmakers had a Michael Bay directing textbook close at
hand. There’s slow motion shots galore and enough explosions to satisfy the
most avid Transformers fans, not to mention there’s way too much focus on the
human characters (we don’t even catch a glimpse of the turtles until almost a
half hour into the movie). None of this even compares though to the ugly.
First things
first, why the hell is Megan Fox in this movie? Why is Megan Fox in any movie
for that matter? If you thought her acting couldn’t possibly get any worse
after Transformers, you’d be terribly wrong. Not only is her acting atrocious,
but the writing for her character is as well. I could probably go on all day
about how completely awful her whole performance is, but that wouldn’t leave me
enough room for Splinter.
This could
possibly be the most disappointing part of the film for me. Splinter, the
leader and teacher of the ninja turtles, is completely botched in this movie.
He looks like a half-shaved mole rat and for some reason he now uses his tail
to fight. He’s also introduced as a mean old master and one of his first scenes
actually involved torturing the turtles. I’m sorry, but this is not the lovable
and wise Splinter I remember from my childhood. Tony Shalhoub as his voice was
a complete and total miscasting and it bothered me every time Splinter opened
his mouth. Also, instead of learning the art of ninjutsu by watching his former
master, he learns it from and old book dropped in the sewer. I really can’t
stress enough how terrible this is (apparently the only thing keeping us all
from being ninja masters is the right picture book).
If that
weren’t bad enough, the ninja turtles’ (and Splinter’s) origin story is even
more ridiculous. Apparently, they were a lab experiment and April saved them
when she was nine from a fire in her father’s laboratory (she never stops to
see if her dad’s okay, however, and he dies).
I could go
on and on about all that’s wrong with this movie, but in the end it still does
manage to be somewhat entertaining. I’m sure the kids will enjoy it, but as
someone who was almost getting hyped for some nostalgic teenage mutant ninja
turtles fun, this movie disappoints.
-Ryan Maples
Rating: 5.
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