I have a
confession to make; I really enjoyed the first Expendables movie. Sure, it wasn’t
a masterpiece by any stretch, or even that good of a film for that matter, but
it was fun seeing all the action stars I’d watched as a kid on old TV reruns
all come together for one epic action movie. The plot was nothing special, the
jokes were eye-roll worthy and the action was nothing new, but damn it if it
wasn’t exciting seeing Sly and the gang in action. Then they made the sequel;
it tried really hard to top the first one in every way, but it just came off as
forced and the movie fell flat, although it still had its entertaining moments.
Then they made another sequel; a PG-13 sequel at that (seriously, was anyone
seeing this movie for any other reason than the ridiculous violence?) and now
the series has reached a new low.
If you’re a
fan of the Expendables franchise, then virtually nothing in this movie will be
new to you; it has all the same lame jokes (Arnold yells “choppa!” enthusiastically
a few times, Wesley Snipes tells the Expendables he was incarcerated for “tax
evasion” and Harrison Ford pretends he can’t understand Jason Statham’s accent
for some reason) mostly familiar faces and the same action just toned down for
the new PG-13 rating.
There’s a
lot to criticize when it comes to the Expendables franchise, but I think it
would be redundant to hop on the bandwagon and crucify this movie for its
needlessly over-the-top action (in one scene Stallone blows up a perfectly good
helicopter after he lands it for no good reason other than to walk away from an
explosion in slow motion), instead I’ll focus on why this film is bad even for
an Expendables movie.
If the plot
in the first two movies was weak, this one is just downright frustrating.
Forget that Sly Stallone and Melvin Gibson are rivals, the really frustrating
(sub)plot is the now extremely tired “I’m getting too old for this shit”
routine. For some unknown reason, Stallone decides his gang is getting too old
(not him though, Stallone never ages) and he essentially fires them. The movie
tries to make it appear as if he does this to protect them, but since they
eventually just end up saving his ass in the end (of course) it basically just
cuts down on their screen time.
This would
be fine, if they had replaced the original Expendables with anyone particularly
interesting; they don’t. In what can only be called a huge misstep for the
film, Stallone decides to go “young” and “modern.” In a montage sequence that
is as old and tired as the man who facilitates it (Kelsey Grammer making a “let’s
build you a new team” cameo appearance here) Stallone gathers a bunch of
newcomers for his merc gang, but don’t worry they all have a death wish so Stallone
won’t feel bad that he’s taking them all on a suicide mission. This is
incredibly annoying not only because it takes up a sizeable amount of screen
time, but also because no one is paying for an Expendables ticket to see a
bunch of young, no-name actors do parkour, motor cross, or fancy hacking
maneuvers. What the audience is promised (and expects) in an Expendable movie
is Stallone, Statham, and company kicking ass and taking names; we the audience
just want to see our old favorite movie stars hitting the pavement one last
time. Unfortunately, because of this distraction of a subplot, we don’t get
nearly enough of this, and since the newcomers basically just end up being a
plot point it’s a real shame they take up so much of the movie.
As for how
the new additions to the movie go, Wesley Snipes is crazy; honestly I’m not
sure if it’s an act or not, but nothing he says really makes sense; I like
Snipes though so I went along with it. Harrison Ford is basically the
replacement for Bruce Willis (turns out Stallone really hates Bruce Willis
personally so they kicked him out of the franchise, who knew?) and also he can
fly a helicopter for some reason. Surprisingly, Antonio Banderas might be the
best part about this movie; he plays a mercenary who just can’t stop talking,
or killing for that matter and although his writing is a little weak, he
overacts the hell out of it and the result is entertaining enough.
The final
battle scene is appropriately ridiculous (they literally fight/destroy an
entire actual army, and by army I mean a real military force, tanks,
helicopters, the whole nine yards.) and even though it is rather tame compared
to what Expendables’ fans are used to (that damn PG-13 rating) it still manages
to excite, although it does feel like all the Expendables are just taking turns
rather than fighting together.
(Spoilers):
I had to give a warning because I want to talk a bit about the end, but
honestly it shouldn’t come to a surprise to anyone who’s ever seen an action
film, especially one of the Sylvester Stallone variety. Throughout the film it
is stressed (by a very serious Harrison Ford, with his extra serious face on)
that Mel Gibson’s character is to be taken alive so he can be tried for his war
crimes. Several times the team passes up a chance to kill him for this reason.
What happens in the end? Stallone and Gibson have a kick punch fight (of
course) and then Stallone just shoots him a bunch of times (before outrunning a
giant C4 explosion and jumping off the roof of the building obviously). I’m
sorry but why couldn’t this have happened at any moment earlier in the film?
Then again I guess I’m asking for common sense in an Expendables movie, and
that’s one thing this series is definitely short on. (End Spoilers).
If you’re
looking for basic, run-of-the-mill action, you could do worse than Expendables
3, then again, you could also do a lot better.
-Ryan Maples
Rating: 5
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